We made it guys! The wait is finally over! 7 years since Animal Crossing: New Leaf released and we’re finally at the dawn of a new horizon – Animal Crossing: New Horizons that is! Yes, arriving just as the world is in the grips of a viral pandemic, there’s never been a better time to start a new life living amongst the animals and refusing to pay your bills! Except this time, there’s a difference…
Yes, in New Horizons you don’t just move to a new town or find yourself thrust into the position of Mayor – you become a GOD! You shape the land you live on; you decide who lives where, you decide what the true priorities are in this new world that yourself and co-conspirator Tom Nook have decided to create! And not only that, all sorts of creatures will want to move to your new haven and call it home, each of them looking up to you for having saved them from the life they previously lived. They might as well be worshipping you.
Oh, I like the sound of that actually. If you’re the God of this island, and the animals come to you to solve their problems…well, who’s to stop you from starting your own cult?!! NO ONE, THAT’S WHO! But who would be good in a cult? What should you look for in new recruits? I’m no expert, but I can certainly give you 7 examples of villagers I think would be excellent in your new Desert Island Cult! Let’s do it:
Don’t let Alfonso’s chill demeanour confuse you – sure he looks like he’s baked most of the time, but that doesn’t change the fact he’s an alligator! He’s literally descended from ancestors who were alive during the time of dinosaurs! Why wouldn’t you want that in your cult? You want something done, you can be sure he’ll get it for you and make it snappy *pause for effect*. The guy is a Nintendo fanboy, and you know what that means – he’s got an eye for quality! If someone’s not giving it their all or something on the island isn’t up to scratch, Alfonso will burst in and ensure everything reaches the top of his quality scale *pause for laughter*. For real though, the guy loves to fish, and food is gonna be essential when you’ve got a whole cult to feed! Send him to the beach for a few hours and you’ll be rolling in more Sea Bass and Red Snappers than you’ll know what to do with. Plus, he’s a really good friend and everybody needs a good friend, ok?
One thing a lot of new cults overlook is their choice of outfit. So many resort to some kind of single-coloured robes, usually with a logo emblazoned upon them. Of course, there are also those cults with members who don’t make an effort at all, just wearing their jeans and boring old t-shirts as they wander around their base in the middle of some dusty desert. You don’t want to be like either of these examples, do you? DO YOU?!?! No, I didn’t think so. Here’s my tip – hire a style guru who can really turn your outfit into a ‘cult classic’! You need someone with a ‘keen eye’ for fashion – and who would have a keener eye than a bird of prey? An eagle, for example. Amelia is a villager renowned for her fashion sense, and she’ll give it her all to make sure you and your fellow members are decked out in something that’s not just ‘in’ this season, but something that you’ll be proud to have your name attached to all year long. Not only that, but Amelia will tell it to you straight – if something about cult life isn’t working, you can be sure she’ll make her voice heard, and you definitely don’t want to get on her bad side. Plus, she’s really good at Poker, and she’s sure to be able to put that skill to use in order to help bolster funds for cult life.
I know what you’re thinking – “Gee Whiz, I sure do love being the leader of this brand-new cult. But boy-howdy, I do wonder what we’re gonna do for fun, we can’t just walk around doing cult things all day and then sleeping all night”. Well, I say to that “What the flipping-flop were you expecting this to be? But yeah, I guess you’re right”. You’re gonna need some kind of entertainment. Perhaps some form of academic in the drama department? Allow me to introduce you to Hippeux. This suave and exceptionally well-groomed hippo is the man for the job. He wasn’t really sure why he joined the cult in the first place, but the second this job becomes available I can guarantee he will jump at it. The guy is all about culture, and he’s a gentleman to boot! He’s got about 500 of his own hand-written poems memorised and ready to perform at the drop of a hat, he knows all about the renaissance art movement and can replicate it to immaculate accuracy. I wager he would even be up for a late-night jam session with any of the instruments that wash ashore. Failing all that, he could always just juggle for your amusement?
There’s no getting around it. When people hear the word cult, it’s gonna conjure up all sorts of images, most of them likely negative. It’s not easy to run a cult in the age of Social Media. You’re gonna need someone who can put a good spin on things, someone who can help smooth over any accidental transgressions. Perhaps they might even be good with marketing and exceptional at helping get the word out that your Desert Island Cult really is something worth joining. Enter Bangle. Bangle is a tiger filled with so much pep that it’s a wonder there’s room for anything else. She’s a people-person and positivity is her number 1 priority, she can deal with any of the negative press in such a way that even the most cold-hearted individual couldn’t retain their stoic manner. She could take even the worst aspect of cult life and sell it to the world as the greatest thing ever, she’s just that excited about life! There may be a slight catch with Bangle joining your cult, however. She dreams of one day becoming President, and it’s entirely possible that her overexcitement and love of life is all a front for a cold and cut-throat interior, ready to overthrow you the second you turn your back.
Ok, look, I’m not gonna come up with some overzealous spiel in an attempt to sell Ribbot to you. He’s a freakin’ robot, for crying out loud! You’d be insane not to welcome him into your cult. He could help with maths, he’d be great for planning – frankly, he can be your own personal walking-talking computer in villager form. He’d be possibly the best asset for your cult even if he was the ONLY villager to join! Not only that, but Ribbot has himself quite a sporty streak – you could set him up as head of games and fitness on your island! It’s important that your cult members are in fighting-fit condition in case someone comes to the island looking to start some drama, and it’s also worth remembering that a fit villager is going to be far better at chasing butterflies and running from bees and tarantulas (which means YOU SAVE ON MEDICINE!!!!). Plus, apparently exercise is good for morale or something, but that doesn’t matter as much. Or maybe it does to you. I dunno, it’s your cult, do whatever. He’s a robot, just get him.
Every cult needs a maniac. Every cult needs that one member who’s willing to go to extremes, whether for the good or to the detriment of those around them. Now, Cherry isn’t necessarily that kind of dog. But with a bit of a push? Oh boy, she could be brilliant at it. Her alternative style makes her stand out plenty, and frankly she looks F**KING COOL. She’s a tough cookie, very capable of defending herself (and you!) in a fight. She stays up very late at night, and yet she also lists her greatest skill as being able to get up early in the morning – well golly, someone who’s tough and also awake for a large portion of the day? Sounds to me like you’ve got yourself some ready-made security for your desert island base! She can patrol all day long and will be able to take on any problems that arise during those patrols! Plus, you know, it’s nice to have an alternative culture style developing alongside the more mainstream fashion that Amelia will surely be bringing – not everyone is gonna fit in to one style, it’s nice to give people options.
All I can think of that’s left is some kind of enforcer. Someone who’s willing to be hated a little bit, someone willing to step up and get angry when cult members aren’t doing their daily chores. You need someone on the crankier side. And not only that, you want an animal that demands respect in the role too – let’s be honest, no one is gonna be afraid to disobey orders from a koala or a chicken. How about another tiger? Rolf’s the guy for the job. He has quite the attitude, but once you get to know him, he’ll become one of your most valuable and trusted allies. He’s not gonna take any s**t from anyone, they better do the tasks they’ve been assigned or they can GTFO quite frankly. As well as that, Rolf is also up quite late into the night and aspires to be a professional wrestler, perhaps he could even give Cherry a hand in her nightly patrols? Plus, he’s really good at handstands. I’m sure there’ll be a use for that somewhere…
There we have it, 7 of the essential roles in a new cult filled out quickly and successfully. All that’s left now is for you to decide what kind of indoctrina- I MEAN, what kind of beliefs your cult stands for, and how you want to go about achieving any goals you may have.
Are there any roles we’ve missed? What would you look for in members for your new Desert Island Cult, and which villagers would you choose to join your ranks? Let us know…