What songs are wrestling worthy? We find out!
Pro-wrestling has always felt like the problem child of UDS. None of us particularly like it (even those of us who watch it), we very rarely talk about it, but we still acknowledge it from time to time. While films, video games and music are Bart, Lisa and Maggie, wrasslin’ is very much Hugo.
With that being said, I think many of us have daydreamed about putting on some tights and entering the larger-than-life of the squared circle at one time or another. The closest thing to Baroque theatre for the masses, it’s easy to lose yourself in the fantasy of defining your character, moveset and storylines.
And one fundamental element of this is picking your entrance music. From the fist-clenching power rock of Hulk Hogan’s Real American to the meme-worthy trumpets of John Cena’s My Time Is Now, it’s a crucial part of a character, and can often transcend into the non-wrestling zeitgeist.
So just for kicks, we put on our thinking singlets and decided what songs would make our dream wrestling themes…
Tom: David Byrne & St. Vincent – Who
As a ‘towering’ 5ft 8, I haven’t got the physique to be a true bruiser in the ring. That’s why I see myself more in the managerial position, accompanying my larger client to the ring with the intent of bending the rules to help them to victory. A real cad.
Being that most of the wrestling in the West is based out of America or at the very least often homogenised into Americana, I’d lean into the stereotypical ‘stuffy Brit’ character, complete with Tweed blazer, flat cap and cane. Archibald Hendrix’s the name, and booting the riff raff is my game.
That’s why I couldn’t use anything else other than David Byrne & St. Vincent’s Who as my entrance theme. The kitsch opening horns would elicit pavlovian groans from the audience, knowing I’m about to spoil the hero’s day, with me appearing through the curtains as the drums kick in a beat or two later.
The whole song has a catchy, near obnoxious swagger to it, and although it’s not thumping with aggression, it fits my smarmy alter ego with aplomb. And on special occasions the duo can play me to the ring live, with Mr Byrne giving me a somewhat out of character fist bump as I pass him.
A man can dream, a man can dream…
Dobbie: P!nk – Trouble
I’m one of the UDS members that doesn’t care about wrestling in the slightest. I don’t get the appeal of it at all. I don’t understand any of the common terms. I don’t even particularly care for The Rock. But hey, I do LOVE to make an entrance!
I struggled a bit to come up with a choice I felt would genuinely fit for this article. Not only has it got to be a song I enjoy, but it’s also got to be a song that would fit the persona around which I would create the wrestling version of myself (which in itself was something I found difficult to envisage). In the end, it was young Tom who helped give me the brainwave I needed by suggesting I am a ‘rambunctious little boy’. It all hit me like a ton of bricks.
I can play up the more mischievous aspects of my natural personality and truly embrace being something of a troublemaker in the ring. Maybe I won’t win any fights, but I can get my kicks by messing around, stirring shit and generally annoying the other wrestlers. I would go by the name The Scamp. It fits so perfectly!
Trouble by P!nk is almost tailor-made for the character I’ve concocted here. It serves as a perfect announcement of The Scamp’s arrival, laying out everything he stands for whilst also being an extremely catchy song with full potential to raise the hype level in any room.
Imagine a very serious wrestle is happening in the ring, when suddenly it becomes obvious that something is amiss – perhaps the oils the wrestlers have used to make their abs sparkle had been switched for glue, and the men have become permanently entangled. ‘Who did this?’ one of them asks, when suddenly over the speakers the chorus for Trouble begins to blare – ‘It was I, The Scamp,’ I would announce, ‘gluing you two together into the embrace you’ve always been too scared to ask for’. The crowd would go wild, the men would allow their barriers to fall and finally accept the hug they’ve always wanted, and I would savour in the praise. Another victory firmly under my belt, I would return to my dressing room, glowing with pride and ready to plan my next bout of mischief.
Drew: clipping. – Say The Name
The fact that my surname is ‘Friday’ has been a strong force dictating the course of my life. Deciding who will be my friends and enemies largely comes down to whether or not they made a joke about the name upon finding that out. I have heard them all. None are funny. As a result, a cringing, anticipatory part of my brain feels compelled to say, before anyone else says it, “Yes, my intro music should be Friday by Rebecca Black or Katy Perry’s Last Friday Night. This is not only fitting but hilarious and we are good and funny people for suggesting it.”
This is the foundation of my pro wrestling persona. Starting out in my career as a face, I would have Rebecca Black’s Friday as my theme song, and lean in on the obvious Friday references as a means of gaining popularity, thanks to the accessibility of the joke. Then, at the zenith of my potential as a good guy in the wrestling scene, I would suddenly shed the facade and turn, becoming a monster of the ring.
My next fight and all from then on would be introduced with Say The Name by clipping, the outstanding lead single from their second horrorcore album Visions of Bodies Being Burned. It’s a thumping, sinister hip hop track with an addictive hook that gradually builds to a massive crescendo that would have any crowd going apeshit. The repeating line ‘candlesticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned’ would be reflected in the set and my intro video, in keeping with the dark tone.
The lyrics are inspired by the horror movie villain Candyman, and this is who I would embody in the ring, as a no-holds barred psychopath, back-stabbing supposed allies and using fear tactics in between fights like a ripped Jared Leto. I’d have illegal items hidden in my afro that I would whip out to turn the tide if the going gets tough. Dress me up in a massive fur-lined pimp coat for my approach and a honeycomb-patterned leotard for the fight, and my persona would be complete.
By the time the song’s done, they’d say the name alright – they’d be screaming ‘Friday’ just like before, but this time with screams of fear.
Craig: Crush 40 – What I’m Made Of
My love of wrestling comes and goes throughout my life. From the late 90’s to the early 2000’s I was an avid viewer (arguably the most popular time of professional wrestling) then like life itself, I failed to be excited about it. WWE was in full swing with seven hour Wrestlemanias full of Roman Reigns and Impact Wrestling just didn’t appeal to me. AEW has come along and the magic of professional wrestling has piqued my interest once again, and I will now on occasion listen to wrestling themes full blast whilst driving my Ford Fiesta at a steady 80 mph on the motorway.
What I’m saying is, I am ready for this assignment.
A wrestler should be immediately identifiable by the first few seconds of their intro music and this alone should get the people energised. The glass shatters when Stone Cold Steve Austin makes his way down to the ring; ‘If ya smell’ when Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson takes a break from Hollywood; or even the ramp up of strings from Daniel Bryan’s Theme Flight of the Valkyries.
Craig ‘The Crusher’ Bandicoot (trademark pending) enters the ring wearing the tightest orange speedo you can ever imagine and an ungodly amount of chest hair. Jumps into the ring, mounts the turnbuckle and flips everyone off, all to the sound of What I’m Made Of by Crush 40.
Rock has been a mainstay of wrestling ever since it was conceived (see: Limp Bizkit, Creed). Crush 40 and their Sonic The Hedgehog inspired rock fits perfectly in the wrestling world, surprising everyone that it hasn’t already been done. Not all of Crush 40’s songs would necessarily work, though – Live & Live, Sonic Heroes and Open Your Heart, whilst being bangers, do not bring the spirit of what makes a good wrestling theme. In contrast, the heavy bass, BPM and bang on lyrics from What I’m Made Of do:
Try to reach inside of me
Try to drain my energy
Let me show you just what I’m made of
Tries to take a bite of me
Let me show you just what I’m made of
Those lyrics show you that Craig ‘The Crusher’ Bandicoot is here and ready to take you on!
Being raised in an electric waste disposal, he spent most of his harsh life sleeping on calculators and using monitors for a pillow. Now he is here to get back at the people who don’t know how to recycle their E-waste and to show them what he’s made of. Craig “The Crusher” Bandicoot isn’t someone to mess with.
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